We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
