Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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