So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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