It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize