i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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