we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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