What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
