I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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