i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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