Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
