I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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