He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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