I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
