Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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