Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
