How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
