After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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