If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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