im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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