CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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