better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
