Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize