dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
