I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
