i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
