You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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