Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
