I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
