Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
