Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
