come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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