It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
