apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
