He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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