Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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