Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
