Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
