i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
