"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize