im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
