I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
