I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
