Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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