Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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