then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
