i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize