haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
