just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
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