and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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