Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
