I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
