Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Enjoy the penises
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
