so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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