Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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