the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
