You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
