omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
