After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize