That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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