Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize