You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
