so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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